At the height of my extrovertedness, I remember having almost seven groups of people I would consider friends. Some knew the detailed run down of every bowel movement I had had that day, and others would catch up in hallways and lifts. I remember vividly realizing most of these people were in my life because that is where I physically lived, and if I were to move countries as I inevitably have, I would lose them. I remember mourning more for my community as a whole and the lifestyle that it created, rather than just my closest friends.
Living as an adult, I realize I have agency to be involved in my community as much or as little as I please. But more often than not, I found myself placing my value into my more immediate company. The ranking of who you find important is often given to you by society at large and mailed with a checklist. By a certain age, you’re expected to have certain results based on how closely you followed this list. You are expected to have a partner, a best friend, a savings account and a job, kids and a house all because you placed your time, energy and value into the list.
Anna Howard talks about the sentiment that “everybody wants a better village but nobody wants to be a better villager”. Maybe this has to do with the fact that you aren’t applauded for having a large group of acquaintances and neighbors you’ve built relationships with, in the same way you’re seen for raising a family or starting a business. Being a villager challenges the notion of being behind in life because it strips away the pedestal we put relationships on. It’s de-centering your love life as one of the most important aspects of it, and prioritizing the idea of collectivism.
I’ve noticed this priority is often made more obvious in non-western cultures. Ones that normalize your mom’s childhood friend’s uncle’s cousin’s in-laws who happen to live in the same state as you, taking you out for the day, treating you to all your meals and sending you home well fed and full of love. No questions asked. No hesitation. The kind of culture where anyone can be family, and the word itself expands to mean so much more. Where no one person completes you and your existence, but rather helps you expand love and connection into the world around us. Friends don’t compete with romantic partners, asking for favors isn’t a burden, and family is just one introduction away.
I love this! I know people who have this whole web of friends and family who they care for and are cared for by and I’m just realizing how rare that is
KALIKAAA!!! i think this one is my favorite so far! i think with how divisive the place we’ve lived in has become, it’s ever so important to write about prioritizing community